Looking back and reminiscing, I can feel that hot breath swarming through my body and engulfing me to the inside of my own dread. I had never felt a pang of pain until I realized, people around me share good old childhood tales.I look back and see shame. But there was a change in thoughts in the later part of life when I knew different is unique.
Being a very strict father and I growing up around him made me a very silly girl who had no courage to even smile at others. I was a laughing-stock often and not to mention my weight. when I was young, people asked me whether I am in a grade double to what I am in, and I feel shame answering them, ‘no, I am in third’, they say ‘god, you like you already passed sixth.’ I smile and tell them, ‘Well not everyone can be same. someone needs to be different.’Life was not fair with me.
Growing up, I came back to my country from abroad and I was the only fat girl in school which drew unwanted attention and I was always being mocked at. By the growing second I was diminishing. Not to mention the way, my father brought me up made me silly and afraid to even speak out. Well, he was not that bad but that character of his was what made me stern and rigid. He bought me the best clothes and expensive things and made me feel safe. But he never taught me how to laugh and have fun when you are down.
slowly as I picked up puzzles and broken pieces, I learned what life is and how it drives us, I let it drive me but I supervised. When words of mockery instilled a deep impression I learned to laugh at their face and then they start to turn away from me fearing what my next move will be. I learned life is not fair to everyone let alone me.
Well my father may have made me stiff and rigid and made me realize I had much greater chance than to just smile, I learned something so profound which was missing from the rest.
“Life is unfair and unjust, but it is with us where we can decide how to lead them on.”
And from this I learned a lesson that my father may have made me something different from what I should have been, but I steered out of that with what I saw made me realize there is a door open when one gets closed.
Now I am more than happy to be nagging and complaining about what I didn’t become.