I see many motivational speeches and uplifting words. I read many quotes and people’s experiences. I hear a lot of people talking positivity and pushing forth people to quit being negative. Heck, I myself sometimes falsify people into believing that the world is all bright and golden if only we open our eyes and look.
I am a mess and I keep messing it all up. One minute, I am fine, I am good, I breathe normally and engage in activities, feel ok. The next minute, I am a mess, feel bulky, heavy, feel all the fat around me weight me down. Guilt, for that last meal which was dinner but nonetheless the guilt for eating it. Hating myself and blaming others for not being able to stick to my plan or at least do as I wanted to do. Questioning myself why… so many why’s that I am freaking tired of it.
The sadness. Intense sadness of being alone in a world full of people. Intense loneliness when I am all but surrounded by millions of people. Not understanding why I am being left out of the crowd when I have nothing wrong done. Hating and despising the way I should count my words before I say that. Hating and hating myself for strutting and not being able to say what I want to like I want to. Hating and hating so much for not being able to be productive and do something in order to achieve something in my life.
I have always been locked down. Either by rejection, discouragement, mockery or by some other means. I have never been bullied because I reacted violently back and thus I am a person who is feared by everyone. Because of my size, my actions sometimes feel like a jackhammer to them and their simple words like, “Come on, just because you don’t realize it, it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I am scared when you come close to me.” Not intentionally anyway, but it happens. They say this with a laugh or smile and I smile back. However, they don’t realize I am hurting inside because like I said, I can’t freaking control my actions and it hurt. Deeply.
Sometimes, I am this overly happy bubbly mess which gets appreciated and clapped hands while sometimes I am this virus; being ignored by all. All in all, I am not someone who people like to hang out much with. They don’t like taking selfie’s with me, they don’t really engage their time with me. And I wonder and wonder and freaking wonder why and what was that I did wrong.
I so strongly decide to ignore all and be just myself. But the gaze, the inside smile, direct laugh to my face and direct insult or indirect mockery; kills me. Plainly and adamantly. Kills me.
What do they know about the demons I fight daily? The depression that they don’t know. The sadness and loneliness that they don’t realize. The pain I have to go through just because I am fat, and… why? I don’t know.
I just want to be normal and be happy and talk and laugh like normal people does. But sometimes I am pulled deeply into my depression, anxiety, and sadness that I forget to be lively, cheerful and happy for their sake and guess what? Few to none only realize I am missing my usual self.
I have lost count of how many times I cry myself in front of mirrors in public gatherings and come out missing myself. And people don’t even bat an eyelash even if they realize something is wrong with me.
Am I too stupid for thinking it all? How can I conclude myself? There are even more that I want to say and just scream. But I am blank and that scares and angers me. I want to say, period. But, no, I am just shaking myself and seething with anger. Even a single sound of something around me gets me mad. I am a mess and I am just getting messier!