Spurious (NaPoMo 2)

user img
smoldering solitude
between the distance
of my winged eyes,
creates hazardous aura-
as I paint
charcoal stains
down my chin
to this cheap sequenced dress.

the tequila swab
did nothing to stop
the birds
from rupturing my ribcages.

I end up
open palmed
in the solitude of
a distorted imagery.

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I am a freaking mess.

Image result for crying to her hands

I see many motivational speeches and uplifting words. I read many quotes and people’s experiences. I hear a lot of people talking positivity and pushing forth people to quit being negative. Heck, I myself sometimes falsify people into believing that the world is all bright and golden if only we open our eyes and look.

I am a mess and I keep messing it all up. One minute, I am fine, I am good, I breathe normally and engage in activities, feel ok. The next minute, I am a mess, feel bulky, heavy, feel all the fat around me weight me down. Guilt, for that last meal which was dinner but nonetheless the guilt for eating it. Hating myself and blaming others for not being able to stick to my plan or at least do as I wanted to do. Questioning myself why… so many why’s that I am freaking tired of it.

The sadness. Intense sadness of being alone in a world full of people. Intense loneliness when I am all but surrounded by millions of people. Not understanding why I am being left out of the crowd when I have nothing wrong done. Hating and despising the way I should count my words before I say that. Hating and hating myself for strutting and not being able to say what I want to like I want to. Hating and hating so much for not being able to be productive and do something in order to achieve something in my life.

I have always been locked down. Either by rejection, discouragement, mockery or by some other means. I have never been bullied because I reacted violently back and thus I am a person who is feared by everyone. Because of my size, my actions sometimes feel like a jackhammer to them and their simple words like, “Come on, just because you don’t realize it, it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I am scared when you come close to me.” Not intentionally anyway, but it happens. They say this with a laugh or smile and I smile back. However, they don’t realize I am hurting inside because like I said, I can’t freaking control my actions and it hurt. Deeply.

Sometimes, I am this overly happy bubbly mess which gets appreciated and clapped hands while sometimes I am this virus; being ignored by all. All in all, I am not someone who people like to hang out much with. They don’t like taking selfie’s with me, they don’t really engage their time with me. And I wonder and wonder and freaking wonder why and what was that I did wrong.

I so strongly decide to ignore all and be just myself. But the gaze, the inside smile, direct laugh to my face and direct insult or indirect mockery; kills me. Plainly and adamantly. Kills me.

What do they know about the demons I fight daily? The depression that they don’t know. The sadness and loneliness that they don’t realize. The pain I have to go through just because I am fat, and… why? I don’t know.

I just want to be normal and be happy and talk and laugh like normal people does. But sometimes I am pulled deeply into my depression, anxiety, and sadness that I forget to be lively, cheerful and happy for their sake and guess what? Few to none only realize I am missing my usual self.

I have lost count of how many times I cry myself in front of mirrors in public gatherings and come out missing myself. And people don’t even bat an eyelash even if they realize something is wrong with me.

Am I too stupid for thinking it all? How can I conclude myself? There are even more that I want to say and just scream. But I am blank and that scares and angers me. I want to say, period. But, no, I am just shaking myself and seething with anger. Even a single sound of something around me gets me mad. I am a mess and I am just getting messier!

Look me in the eye…

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I have forgotten
the hang of writing poetry
as I master my craft
in silencing vowels from breaking out
and taming restless hurricanes in my eyes.

the crumbs dripping from my fingers
form a trail behind my
lethargic pen,
crafting shapes on stained papers,
and the leftover residue
mocks my game
as I crawl behind ellipses.

black petals sprouts
between the cracks in similes,
but I stop at no cost
plastering fake metaphors
at every distinguished rest stops
to mask miseries.

and if yet you are unable to decipher
the depth in the folds of my stare
that ricochet on empty barrels;
you simply speak words
that holds no feelings,
since my words have stopped forming sentences
to ears that hold a smile
behind compassion.

When my fears died inside my screams.

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the winged imagery
on my fragile eyes
that have seen worst storm
than my recent smoky synopsis,
died at the right curve
where my crinkles
could never reach
to romance.

yet, I tried to powder
too many lines
worth mentioning on my forehead
to make it look weak,
with fewer metaphors-
to grandeur the already dead soliloquy;

but the color on my lips
take the audience away,
the bright show stopper
arch into a killer smile
that have mastered the
skill of creating an enigma
enclosed in marble stilettos

I have walked in angles
that doesn’t bend to solve
an equation
and now that I have resumed
walking after the crash
in metered sonnets,
I have ever since raised the number
of rhinestones
on my jacket;
each a tattoo of violent hurricane
I tamed.

Depression and me

 

 

 

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Only emptiness. The kind where even shadows hide behind the darkness. I can feel it in my bones as I watch the world goes by. My friends and families, they are fluid. Happy. Talking. Moving. They don’t stop neither are they stopping. They move. I can feel it as I watch the silver gates open and close, for traffic and they transcend.

But I, I stop. I survive each second. I breathe, I inhale and scream. But only a moment has passed by. I sit by, arms folded, tears leaking and watch the world. Ten years have gone by and they have made a family, existence, life. While I am still nowhere in the vortex. I don’t even know where they exit are.

Somewhere in the echo, I hear a voice. The silver catastrophe soothing me in between darkness that I am where I am to be, I can win only when the time comes and I will win like no other but it’s been years since I have heard the same monologue. I can’t even answer back.

I scream into nothingness. But my throat goes sore and heart inflates, aching. I rub myself to stop crying but my legs bounce on its own, unable to hold it in. I am fat and disguised but I can’t stop eating and the reason why is; don’t you dare judge me.

You don’t know depression and illness. You don’t get depressed when you break up with someone and you can move and talk around. You don’t get depression if something bad happened and you can process like ever before. You don’t get to know what depression is if you are capable of pulling yourself out from the bed and drink water. You don’t get to feel and know its depth unless you have felt the deep pain in between your collarbones and ribcage.

The feeling of emptiness and darkness combined suffocates and no amount of crying yourself to sleep will help you gather your atoms and walk on. You will end up with a migraine. I ended up in a migraine and the doctors couldn’t find the reason why I am complaining of it every single time I visit him for he knows of the medical term why and when a migraine occurs but my hormonal imbalance and emotional barriers are so shaken up that I couldn’t control myself. I…

Hope seems so far away. Faith keeps me sane. Mother makes me want to stay strong. God makes me want to challenge myself to win. But, I am a single soul with a burdened body. I am not strong enough or powerful enough to swim through another hurricane to challenge myself to see where this is going. I am done being strong. I can’t anymore…

I… have been in this movie for quite some time that the official timing has passed by but my script is nowhere near an end. Nor, does anyone knows how this is going to be concluded. But, I believe sometime in the future it will and I can’t wait anymore.

I wish if I could drag time by a thread and make it come to me earlier than expected, but I know my wishful thinking can’t make me, won’t help me and… I am stuck… I feel like screaming but the physical pain has shackled me up in between overused metaphors and unsaid words. I want to but I can’t. I…

 

Snap…

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the infernal abyss opened all portals
and I am stuck-
between;

sweating into puddles
disintegrating to dust.

its been a while
since the white tissue have threatened to rip
where the blueprint
has been imprinted,

echoes of laughter
and wails
braided a promise to never rupture,
but
now I am seeing it in diverse dimension
where life can seriously flip a bird
and soar high,
dragging me through the sticks and stones of solemnity

the era of halting games
to take a sip
has long gone
when the chains of unsaid metaphors broke
to smithereens

and I am glued back to the rollercoaster
as it materializes into gravity,
painting dangerous picture in the sky
giving me no assurance
that I will be saved here

but since the sky is blue
and as it gets darker
to the top layer where something lurks in the silver lining,
I am taking the chance
to let go…

however,
I am not sure of how long…
________________________________

Just going through something these days….

you and I can never be a melody of soothing lyrics.

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I pulled,
yet another verb
from the white lifeless canvas-
and the origami in my hands,
took flight.

I watched it
from my doorstep;
unknowingly
waiting for a
non-existent footstep.

you see,
the rose in my hands
knew how to draw blood;
playing
you love me not,
while watching random shows
of couples kissing
under the moonlight-
a dream
I dreamt
not too long ago.

do you mind?
let’s paint nothing
in this blackened night sky-
and laugh
as the stars diagonally shoot
lightening bolts
in our depressed monologue.

but it all ends
as the foam bubbles out
from my lips;
and the more I convince
you are there for me,
the more you vanish
leaving behind tiny imprints
of faded graffiti
on my staccato brain.

listen;
to this deliberate cacophony
of my disembarked hopes
and compose a melody
with my silly love notes.

but wait till
I wash ashore,
so that you can find my chipped promise
in my palm;
crumbled… yet beating
in the name of you.

dear,
for the last time,
can you sleep with me
in the folds of my sleepless nights
and color
my life in the shade of your eyes?

for I have lost
the hang of being alone;
since you have never
left me
yet you are nowhere I can see.

I know,
if you put a bullet into my head
and as I bleed crimson giggles;
you will still be there
warming my bare bones,
but laughing with the others
for pushing me down.

can you do me a favor?
as the new star dawns out on the horizon…
can you vanish like the rhinestones
from my liquid vision
that seems to dry even more than
last year

I do have a desire
to die leaking pink sonnets;
than mosaic smiles.