Nothing better to do.

0

So, I was just like, sitting here in the rain at one am in the morning, waiting for some miracle to take me far away from my sinister thoughts and decaying metaphors and wished to open a new blog to write my musings alone and stop my former one; i.e, this one. But, upon reaching here I saw, I have two new followers and that makes me 75 followers, not bad!

But, I never began this blog with the intention of more followers, fame or something like that. I just made this blog to post in my shitty musings of a poem and look if I can impress people. Most of my life, I was like that and I am still now… wondering, waiting, wishing, for people’s support, suggestions, encouragement and good luck. I still want them and when I get a comment saying something genuinely, I still skip a beat.

And I am still confused, mad and cold. My mom is sleeping and in fact, everyone is sleeping. But, I am here, sitting, eating a snickers bar, alternating between writing a horror paranormal book and writing this blog. I don’t even know why I am writing this in the first place, but… here I am, still continuing and I wonder if people will read this. What will they think after reading this? Oh, that reminds me, I still can’t like and follow certain people.

It sucks to be stuck in a loophole of doing the same things and never once stepping out from the giant wheel but dare not advise me to make a move since ever since I knew I am stuck and circling; I have tried to break out but I am still here… in this forsaken hour, writing something that is not what I wanted to when I began this blog post.

WOW…

sigh!

 

G’night or G;morning 🙂

Advertisements

Possessed- My book.

Flore Collier (1).png

So, have you ever had the beautiful opportunity to be scared in your life because of some unnatural, unexplainable event?

Have you ever been touched by an unseen hand?

Have you ever listened to a whisper by silence?

Can you imagine to be in a life of Conjuring where reality is far more worse than Conjuring?

Can you imagine a life of a girl who had to go through her whole life in such unnatural happenings?

If you are really interested in such a paranormal, mind-boggling thriller, head on to @wattpad and go to @LostIn2Sight and click #possessed, Only in #wattpad 🙂

This is an advertisement, I guess to myself because I want more people to know about the risk and clarity of reality. Because you believe in science, it doesn’t mean you are safe from Supernatural Science!

Read and enjoy 🙂

My first slam

Image result for abuse victim staying strong

I am gonna tell a story.

When I was young
And didn’t know the world was cruel
I somehow survived being myself. Then and now, A blessing; I guess.
When they teased me for being the biggest in class
When I wore spectacle as thick as me with a chain into class for the first time
And when I ate too much than they could fill in their stomach
I was teased, mocked and laughed at.
But, I used to stay strong
And laugh with them for the joke that shook my body, my belly
I never cried when they teased me or belittled me
Because I was never in reality,, I was always in a dreamland.
I was something else
Maybe that was how I coped with things-
When I didn’t know what love was, what depression was, what sadness was
Maybe I was too ignorant
And that made me smile all the time and sleep with dreams full of bogus glitters.
Oh, but, yes, I cried
I cried thinking about my mother
She was always being scolded by my father
She was always crying when we were never watching
And I cried for my father
Because he was always stressed in his workplace
He was always unhappy in his life
But he provided us with riches and things
But never happiness
Seeing our loved ones unhappy won’t make us unhappy
It makes us miserable

When I grew up to have little projections in my chest
It was the size of a cricket ball
And it wasn’t anything like the insect bites on my friends
And that got me attention
Lots of it
I didn’t like the projection but I didn’t know that it was my breasts
And that will attract man like a moth to the flame
I didn’t know it then
I smile like I did always
And I was touched when I smiled
I didn’t know it was wrong
He was speaking to me very clearly, jokingly, about his life in his hometown
And I miserably tried to get out from his hands because I thought he was playing
But they were held too tight and… I was touched.
I didn’t know it then
That he was sick and I was a toy
I didn’t know what he was doing.
Now, I know… his frame of mind was to be cleaned with acid and
He should be taught from the beginning how to respect women.
I was young. Only sprouting wings.
And he blemished my clean slate with a memory I can’t wash off.

I was never a writer,
It somehow stumbled on to me while I was learning a boring subject for exam
Beautiful strips of golden caramel oozed in through the windows
And like possessed by a foreign soul, I took up a pen and paper
And wrote about the radiance
And I became a writer- when my heart started to learn about fear, fat, ugly and depression.

When I was fully grown to a small woman
I learned about my body
And still feel irritated and hate the tingles that stay on my breasts thinking about that touch
I should have kicked him, scolded him, told my mother
But I never did,
Cause they won’t understand.
My young brain had this notion that they wouldn’t understand
Not because I had any experience that made me trust them less
But I couldn’t bring myself to tell them
That I have been abused by a desperate man in the grocery store that my father always shook hands with
I hid that pain and betrayal and sadness in my poetry later on.
You see, I am not a writer.
Metaphors are for insecure people who want to hide behind words.
Yet, I have been called a metaphor queen
And I have been said I didn’t understand what metaphor was.
But, I used metaphor like I used water
To hide my tears once I learned words had that sort of power.
I never wrote… I hid

When I was finally a woman
With feathers yet to be born,
With stones yes to be turned
And life yet to be understood
I know what happiness, sadness, and emotions are
I know what each makes one feel
I wish for the bubbles on my hands that connect with happiness, to stay forever.
Because he only comes once in a while
And sadness smiles and stays by my side, always.
He loves me every night and I sketch the feelings on my pillows.

I am not a writer.
I don’t know how to write.
How to plot a story and tell them effectively
Because when I started to write this,
I had a different story line in my eyes
But when I began, my heart poured words and I am ashamed that I can’t even bring out what I really want to say
But, my heart said all of this, so it’s true and I let it be
But I am ashamed
I know I will be read and re-read by many
Some will say, I said too much, it’s too long, you have grammar mistakes and you suck
Plain and simple; you suck
And I know I suck.
Should I nametag it myself?
I have been sucking my life for eternity
Because even when God created me beautifully in his eyes
My rolled out thighs and protruding stomach made it clear in the eyes of people, that I am anything but beautiful
And the people made it their personal agenda to make me feel
I am fat
I am ugly
I am big

I have no messages to share
I have no wisdom to pour
I have no ideas to dare
And I have no chances left to explore

But, somehow I did
I wrote in midst of all those sword slashes
And I wrote with ink from my blood
But that was not enough for people to understand
That I have already been through too many thorns
And I am already being shredded
I am something else… other than what I show
But, people won’t understand

When I finally learned to understand and learn to realize
I was too fat, too naïve, too shy and too misunderstood
Way too fat to shed some pounds
Way too thick to make some rounds
Way too naïve to make understand
And way too stupid to befriend with

And I was stressed by life’s personalized concerts
I was shredded in emotional downpour
And I was caramelized in life’s personalized hurricanes
I came to know about the riches of life
And only then did I learn that all this time, my smile was a fake mask that I wore
A fake mask that I wore to cover my frown lines
A fakeness that my own heart made for me so that one day when I sit and realize that life is not as I believe, I shouldn’t be broken.

I don’t know how to write what my veins convey
I don’t know how to write what my eyes are flashing to me
Yet, I am writing like a machine
And I don’t know how to stop
I have too much to tell
Too much to yell
But I am already swelled
And this is all leveled
The platform is torn
And I have no audience
I cry to my soul
Yet, my life is a hollow shell
I fell bloated, inflamed and shamed
I want to release my demons
But I am stuck with their marvelous tingles
I am stuck inside my own body
Shackled with words that won’t come out
I am stitched with my own chords
And I am being beaten up by my own fears
I crawl myself into a ball and listen to the rainfall wondering if I could ever call and be answered by someone
I want to be nurtured, to be cradled, and to be understood
By someone who can understand my heart.
My mother soothes me, my brother makes me laugh, and I am being loved
But never understood for what I really am
I smile and hide and laugh and cry
I am never understood
And I think, I will stop pouring words now,
Since what I want to say is not coming out
And I don’t want to cry when I stop writing this

I just wanted to tell you a story
But I ended up with just clipped scenes from my story
And since, I am not a writer
And I don’t know how to write
I will end this here
With a big yellowish smiley period

What will I do then???

ll

images (10)

Its been a while since I have posting something actually talking apart from my poetry! And I am seeing many likes but not comments, I hope you all love it to keep pushing that button..

From a very young age itself, I have been fatty and still continues to saunter in the extra curves. Every time I read the weight loss stuffs, I prepare myself to “yes, this is it, Now on….” blah blah…

But, I can’t say I have not tried, Yes, I have tried…..

images (11)

Its sometimes very confusing to take a map and go behind it, if its a print out from the WEB, yes, while frantically searching for tips that I can go on…..I got a page in one site, asking me to drink plenty of water and go exercise and the same page that comes under the Google search says, we should not exercise with empty stomach as it hurts our metabolism.. Haha, I had a good laugh back then… Next, I see that empty stomach exercising is good plus you have to do it with a heavy breakfast after and in another one with a light breakfast before and after to go with the exercise….With my migraine and fat my physical training sir in college asked me to not to do hard exercise and not to skip meals, while a trainer in google search asks me to go exactly the opposite.

healthy-diet

One thing what I have decided is that, I will myself try all those in terms that won’t physically hurt me and guess what, drinking wheat porridge and fasting in the Islamic way has helped me burn a few calories and reduce the extra curves. its been a while since I tried to reduce my weight and yearning zero results as per going through the advice of googling…. Now, if you wanna know my trick in reducing I will tell you, but, again you have the right to pick or ditch, as per your metabolism and physic 🙂

images (12)

I eat banana as it helps me with my acidic stomach plus gas trouble. I don’t like oats and so it give me trouble and so, I eat wheat porridge which I pour out considerable amount of starch in it and pour hot water to make it light. If you have prepared wheat porridge you will know that the starch in wheat makes it thick and milky, so removing from the pressure cooker, I pour out the starch water and pour in hot water. You can do the same 🙂 I eat dates, dried figs and drink water and took fast in the Islamic way, I hope you know it..Abstaining from food and water from the dawn till dusk 🙂 It helped me and so after the month of Ramadan, I am continuing the practice taking intervals.

images (10)

I still haven’t got a remedy from Migraine and so I let it be with drinking water. images (13)

This was a piece of my heart as a diary entry concerning my doubts and findings…..Please read and don’t forget to tell me what you think after reading 🙂

images (11)

Until, then ciao ciao! 🙂

112

Immortal you…

Immortal you…

my-loneliness-devushka-siluet

the music notes are on fire
and I feel you burning
inside my corset of secrets
and you are pulling a string

I can feel your breath
like autumns chill on my back
scarlet hopes shudder
and I feel your touch on my skin

I know that even if you faded away
there is a side of you with me
shadowing me on my dense sky
making me feel the presence

luminescence, is your soul for me
in the darkest of times
and I will love you
like the stars in my galaxy

forever stay, like the beacon
you have become, forever be
my pride in my honesty
My immortal you…

A poem

Features are this review

where I breath poetry into strings

hugging close my own body

I fear I will perish

into this glass of flavored drinks

you love to drink

I know my heart will dance

to the music of my silence

flavored in your deceit

worrying whether this rose will die

too soon

in the care of my love

I may not be pearl in your eyes

but assure me that I will be a shard

a blister, a splinter.

untitled.

In the sweetest of nocturnal ponds, my eyes dip in the cool shores of silver, waiting to be rolled in warm bliss, by your fragrance wafting around the pond. Golden charm resonate while you hum, the melody of my serenade and I pinch myself to see this ballad is real and not a mild mirage like those dandelions there in your eyes. I dip my quill in the river of your love and write in the canvas of jasmine and rose. our love is the closure of unending legacies, unraveling through years of melted sonata

Our song is the boon of your whispers, where I slip into the gardens of Eden, devouring the eloquent shade of poetry only to write you an ode, from the temporal lobe of my cranium. Our song is the ballad sung by undulating wrapping up of blankets in the sultry ambiance of indigo passions. Our love is the shade of moon, whispering to the stars and guiding the way of forbidden fruits like us.

O divine verses of prose, glide me through your indispensable proximity of my love, that flows through the veins of river in between the root that hold the deepest of pleasure, that flutter through the dreams of pink, orange, amber, red painted sky….that mix with the zilch effervescence of this seedless night.

I shall make you weep those ink of eloquent aura, making me drip with emotions as your verses tangle my brains. I behold the torch of your divine presence that unveil glaciers and waterfalls of enduring metaphor, and I bathe in this pond of reverberation to rattle my love towards you, O fine piece of beauty.