Depression|Part 1

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Depression.

What is the meaning of the word depression? I don’t know. There is no definition that I am happy with. There is no fit explanation that shall define depression in a single line.

Depression is a multi-emotional drama. Just like our fingers and fingerprint varies; the emotional value and features associated with depression varies.

It’s no big secret that people who are going through depression are… misunderstood, mocked, belittled and ignored. 

When a certain feeling triggers the mind of a depressed person; he or she is in a state of frenzy. A state of mind that makes it a ‘live or die’ moment. They might be drowning while everyone else is perfectly swimming. Or they might be burning when the temperature for that day was fixated as normal and pleasant. 

They might be in a fit of emotion that the first thing, most of them approach is food. Comfort food. Those who misunderstand eating disorder should really understand that Eating disorder is not a preference. They are not enjoying the moment they indulge in an unhealthy eating spree. 

The first thing you should understand from the pattern of a depressed person eating is that; they are not civilized, there is no portion control and they are like robots who don’t know when and how to stop. The brain doesn’t register. All the brain knows and feels at the moment is a comfort. A state of ‘lie’ that makes the body feel oblivious to the feeling of anxiety.

However, as soon as they come into their mind; it is too late. The stomach cramp along with the guilt in losing their control makes them feel worse about themselves. And they enter into a period of nothingness.

Simply nothing. They don’t feel anything. They don’t get up in time. Doesn’t sleep in time. Doesn’t sleep on time. A state of utter shock and confusion.

While they are slowly climbing back up the stairs to feel an atom of sanity; the world had already moved a millennium away. Looking around; everything feels different and everyone has reached a point in their life which was their dream.

And what happened to the dream of the said depressed person? They didn’t have one. The one they had; got lost in the basic to-do list they had to complete. For example… take a bath.

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Dejection (NaPoMo 6)

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for the last decade
of my screams,
I have forgotten the hang
of how words
can echo back
to the ossuary-
wherein lies my battered self;
bleeding wet cacophony
on the gravestones
of my suicidal whims…

Blemished (NaPoMo 5)

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~~

my limbs fold in
itself,
merging together
to form a self-carved
stone;
atop pebbles
thrown at me,
as I tried to crawl
through abyss of
echoing conflicts.

time swayed
relentlessly
forming monochrome
in a heartbeat;
yet,
I remained as a stigma
amidst stipples.

~~

Aplomb (NaPoMo 4)

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sleep…
gentle wind
upon battered eyelashes
whispered;

and I heeded,
murmuring sad tales
in the afterglow
of a storm-
that ripped  me
into branches of poetry;
flowered
with petals of semblance
between
fragility and agility.

I knew not how to wake
from the fragrance
within.

 

 

Spurious (NaPoMo 2)

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smoldering solitude
between the distance
of my winged eyes,
creates hazardous aura-
as I paint
charcoal stains
down my chin
to this cheap sequenced dress.

the tequila swab
did nothing to stop
the birds
from rupturing my ribcages.

I end up
open palmed
in the solitude of
a distorted imagery.

Chimera (NaPoMo 1)

 

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I barely notice
the heaving grey clouds
in between my pictorial
representation-
of silver monasteries,
sitting shoulder to shoulder
in pride;
waiting for heaven
to click a flash
and capture them all in one
big fake picture.

and l, I smile…
waiting for the meadows to
invigorate me