Look me in the eye…

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I have forgotten
the hang of writing poetry
as I master my craft
in silencing vowels from breaking out
and taming restless hurricanes in my eyes.

the crumbs dripping from my fingers
form a trail behind my
lethargic pen,
crafting shapes on stained papers,
and the leftover residue
mocks my game
as I crawl behind ellipses.

black petals sprouts
between the cracks in similes,
but I stop at no cost
plastering fake metaphors
at every distinguished rest stops
to mask miseries.

and if yet you are unable to decipher
the depth in the folds of my stare
that ricochet on empty barrels;
you simply speak words
that holds no feelings,
since my words have stopped forming sentences
to ears that hold a smile
behind compassion.

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Depression and me

 

 

 

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Only emptiness. The kind where even shadows hide behind the darkness. I can feel it in my bones as I watch the world goes by. My friends and families, they are fluid. Happy. Talking. Moving. They don’t stop neither are they stopping. They move. I can feel it as I watch the silver gates open and close, for traffic and they transcend.

But I, I stop. I survive each second. I breathe, I inhale and scream. But only a moment has passed by. I sit by, arms folded, tears leaking and watch the world. Ten years have gone by and they have made a family, existence, life. While I am still nowhere in the vortex. I don’t even know where they exit are.

Somewhere in the echo, I hear a voice. The silver catastrophe soothing me in between darkness that I am where I am to be, I can win only when the time comes and I will win like no other but it’s been years since I have heard the same monologue. I can’t even answer back.

I scream into nothingness. But my throat goes sore and heart inflates, aching. I rub myself to stop crying but my legs bounce on its own, unable to hold it in. I am fat and disguised but I can’t stop eating and the reason why is; don’t you dare judge me.

You don’t know depression and illness. You don’t get depressed when you break up with someone and you can move and talk around. You don’t get depression if something bad happened and you can process like ever before. You don’t get to know what depression is if you are capable of pulling yourself out from the bed and drink water. You don’t get to feel and know its depth unless you have felt the deep pain in between your collarbones and ribcage.

The feeling of emptiness and darkness combined suffocates and no amount of crying yourself to sleep will help you gather your atoms and walk on. You will end up with a migraine. I ended up in a migraine and the doctors couldn’t find the reason why I am complaining of it every single time I visit him for he knows of the medical term why and when a migraine occurs but my hormonal imbalance and emotional barriers are so shaken up that I couldn’t control myself. I…

Hope seems so far away. Faith keeps me sane. Mother makes me want to stay strong. God makes me want to challenge myself to win. But, I am a single soul with a burdened body. I am not strong enough or powerful enough to swim through another hurricane to challenge myself to see where this is going. I am done being strong. I can’t anymore…

I… have been in this movie for quite some time that the official timing has passed by but my script is nowhere near an end. Nor, does anyone knows how this is going to be concluded. But, I believe sometime in the future it will and I can’t wait anymore.

I wish if I could drag time by a thread and make it come to me earlier than expected, but I know my wishful thinking can’t make me, won’t help me and… I am stuck… I feel like screaming but the physical pain has shackled me up in between overused metaphors and unsaid words. I want to but I can’t. I…

 

The pain of my mother. (not good at prose,but tried one.)

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I promised her she will never have to cry. leaving behind the bones of yesterday’s grim hope, that rattles along with tins and cans I used to preserve pickled lies. The ghastly light flickered above me with a slow moan as the breeze fondled in the obscure, a shade of apprehended silhouette brush my soul and I feel no fear gripping me. Tears that fell from your eyes burst like little bombs in my head and I feel my strength oozing out just by looking at her face and I smile reassuringly, but she tightly seals her lips and blink her eyes with a sigh, the dust settled around her scattered in the hazy light.

As the day withered away in the ashen times of winter, tightening frost bites sink into my body making me go numb, and I feel no pain in my heart that has stopped beating or because I was too busy in the protruding fantastical life, I forgot to breath. Long stares at infinity has made thick bags underneath her plateaued eyes that sunk her pupils and dilapidated wrinkles crowned her flesh that once was red with bliss. Now, I see terror surpassing through her heart beating umpteenth time and she breathe in strongly making me choke on this hurt that has turned us(me and my mother) into a blatant array of lost survivors.

As I look into your eyes, the visions seems blurred with dried tears now stinking in your pupils and that tears a channel down your wrinkled face taking time to find the path through your layers of untimely struggle and strife. Now, as I look upon you I see fear intermingling death, longing for a door that shall bypass our tragic end to a full hope reassuring death.

life was never easy and promises are easy to say but hard to keep, mom!