Look me in the eye…

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I have forgotten
the hang of writing poetry
as I master my craft
in silencing vowels from breaking out
and taming restless hurricanes in my eyes.

the crumbs dripping from my fingers
form a trail behind my
lethargic pen,
crafting shapes on stained papers,
and the leftover residue
mocks my game
as I crawl behind ellipses.

black petals sprouts
between the cracks in similes,
but I stop at no cost
plastering fake metaphors
at every distinguished rest stops
to mask miseries.

and if yet you are unable to decipher
the depth in the folds of my stare
that ricochet on empty barrels;
you simply speak words
that holds no feelings,
since my words have stopped forming sentences
to ears that hold a smile
behind compassion.

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Depression and me

 

 

 

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Only emptiness. The kind where even shadows hide behind the darkness. I can feel it in my bones as I watch the world goes by. My friends and families, they are fluid. Happy. Talking. Moving. They don’t stop neither are they stopping. They move. I can feel it as I watch the silver gates open and close, for traffic and they transcend.

But I, I stop. I survive each second. I breathe, I inhale and scream. But only a moment has passed by. I sit by, arms folded, tears leaking and watch the world. Ten years have gone by and they have made a family, existence, life. While I am still nowhere in the vortex. I don’t even know where they exit are.

Somewhere in the echo, I hear a voice. The silver catastrophe soothing me in between darkness that I am where I am to be, I can win only when the time comes and I will win like no other but it’s been years since I have heard the same monologue. I can’t even answer back.

I scream into nothingness. But my throat goes sore and heart inflates, aching. I rub myself to stop crying but my legs bounce on its own, unable to hold it in. I am fat and disguised but I can’t stop eating and the reason why is; don’t you dare judge me.

You don’t know depression and illness. You don’t get depressed when you break up with someone and you can move and talk around. You don’t get depression if something bad happened and you can process like ever before. You don’t get to know what depression is if you are capable of pulling yourself out from the bed and drink water. You don’t get to feel and know its depth unless you have felt the deep pain in between your collarbones and ribcage.

The feeling of emptiness and darkness combined suffocates and no amount of crying yourself to sleep will help you gather your atoms and walk on. You will end up with a migraine. I ended up in a migraine and the doctors couldn’t find the reason why I am complaining of it every single time I visit him for he knows of the medical term why and when a migraine occurs but my hormonal imbalance and emotional barriers are so shaken up that I couldn’t control myself. I…

Hope seems so far away. Faith keeps me sane. Mother makes me want to stay strong. God makes me want to challenge myself to win. But, I am a single soul with a burdened body. I am not strong enough or powerful enough to swim through another hurricane to challenge myself to see where this is going. I am done being strong. I can’t anymore…

I… have been in this movie for quite some time that the official timing has passed by but my script is nowhere near an end. Nor, does anyone knows how this is going to be concluded. But, I believe sometime in the future it will and I can’t wait anymore.

I wish if I could drag time by a thread and make it come to me earlier than expected, but I know my wishful thinking can’t make me, won’t help me and… I am stuck… I feel like screaming but the physical pain has shackled me up in between overused metaphors and unsaid words. I want to but I can’t. I…

 

The breathing sculpture.

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There she stands in the outer edge corner, shadowed by her comrades, laughing at the joke that was displayed like a medusa head about her pot bellied expression of witless dreams and stained memories that lost its luster with too many sweets.

Once everyone turns to encore the moving articles around them, a tiny colorless melody drips from her eyes that have met and seen many intricate colored metaphors for her lifetime to suck her dry.  She wipes it away without disturbing the graceful black stroke that has outlined her mirror; with the color of her soul.

And she stands, with her hands crossed and legs slightly titled like a moon unsure of how he should come out for the party tonight. Her dress hangs loose and the stretched her already curved impression making her hard to breathe as the hues in front of her laugh; choking her to death.

She dances in the bathroom mirror, squeezing arrhythmic steps into her overloaded heart and the beat just jarred the cacophony even further.

Yet, with her renewed makeup and strength; she rises like a phoenix with a smile to kill soldiers in their best armor. Yet, when alone in the sanctuary of her confinements, she lost all her lustrous rhinestones to the sky who cried with her that night.

Everyone admired the starry skies.

Hello blog.

 
I’m not sure what am I supposed to write today. No, I don’t know what I should ever write. There is too much to say in my mind. Not to someone, you see. I mean the things that I want to say is not to someone but myself.
You see, people are strange creatures. No matter how hard we try to impress, they mock us. No matter how pressingly we address the issue, there will be something to put us to shame. No matter how hard you try to express your emotions; whatever it may be, sadness, grief, guilt, anger, pain…. no matter what emotions… they either act as if they understood or they might give us the pity stare and then they will laugh behind our back.

So, I have stopped talking and started being silly and laughing queen. So, you know what they say about me? I am so happy… ok, I can live with that. But they also say, ‘she is so stupid. Why can’t she act her age?‘ wow!¡ That’s… wow…

I just don’t know blog… life is too damn straight at times that er just go with the flow and suddenly we alone are hit with a huge barricade and we are forced to see… everyone else that was with me; to climb the mountain and reach somewhere. But for me? I am forced to take the helluva roller coaster ride with damn too many twists and turn.

Sometimes, I just quit… I just can’t.

And when I read about articles that should help me… I am confused even more. Not satisfied. How am I supposed to create positive thinking and live with it when all I ever have is bad… bad thoughts?

But no matter how horrible the day and life may be… I have learned to smile and laugh in the end and then cry when I am in the darkness; alone.

Life can be as bad as anything but I will go on as long as I can tape the broken pieces of my heart together.

Meet you again blogg 🙂

Dear blog

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Ok, that sounds stupid. But I think I will keep it like that 😉

I created this blog with many ideas. Now… I am stuck. Stuck with no thoughts, no ideas, no words and definitely nothing. It’s like I am drained of everything. And that’ s true in a sense.

These days I feel so tired. I feel so drained and exhausted. I am writing a novel based on true events in wattpad and I am seriously getting disinterested.I am like wondering if I should just stop. But if one starts something… one should end it, right? I know where I should go with the plot, story line and all; but I’m seriously getting second thoughts about it.

So now, if only you have a voice dear blog, tell me, should I complete it?? Well, as you can see I am writing in wattpad and I am here in WordPress. So obviously there will be some connections, right? So, yea I am advertising my book 🙂 its free advertising. Come on, everyone gets a heart swell when some random reader from somewhere says, we have written a good story or poem or something right?

Now I feel stupid about it all. Haha, I am sometimes. The thing is when I am doing something I get many other ideas, inspirations, and thoughts which make everything jumbled and finally… I won’t be completing my first job and I won’t be saving any thoughts that sounded really good in my head.

Like right now, when I am writing my current novel, I get ideas for another book and I start writing the ideas of it and then I begin with the story completely ignoring the first one. Everyone gets that, I know… I have heard many say that. Funny… yea…

Anyway, I need to feed my stomach or my migraine will soar high and then I will be over exhausted as if I was the one holding earth.

bye bye, my dear. See ya soon 🙂

Nature lover.

In between thin shards of glass, I walk carefully on its edge, Not wanting to cut my toes, fearing my muse will flow out. Life taught me very good things, about the sky which is azure and blue at times but fails to comprehend the emotion of moon and quickly fades to yellow and hues. Blurry, soft cotton swabs whiter throughout the sky, painting the already pique azure, a little more pathetic, but the more you look at it the more you feel relaxed.
Life also taught me about the azure, the one that flows through my nails and fingers, and I feel the tickling nibbles of tiny mouths, making me see wonderful visions and I smile and then laugh. The water is a pure blue, sheer pleasure, mighty bearer, smooth kisses. The rivulets passes along liquidizing melon sun and the water clings to my legs, painting my legs a sweet mango yellow. Cooling my mind, making me feel relaxed.
Beautiful, sturdy trees stretches and exaggerate its beauty through olive, emerald, and pedriot legacies and then they paints a masterpiece in between the lines of glistening buds that rejuvenate and solidify emotions, pulled to the roots and finalize this closure. making me sane and fine and peace. Hues boasts about fine poetry and paints masterpiece, of crimson, yellow, salmon, orange and brown. fallen or not, they whiter diamond dust of beauty.
never shall I get tired of this, the fragrance of rainbows, frolicking and swaying in the whistling breeze and chirruping birds that brings together a chord of sonata, a serenade, a chime too sweet. close your eyes and envisage, you could feel the beauty tantalizing, whispering, kissing. Tiny buds giggling and joyfully turn their head towards the sun, like kids do when they do something proud. smiling and gleefully enjoying.Peace
Nature has its palette full of hues and I a brush, painting on the blank canvas, hurting my  mind and I paint, a picture…..Too sweet and rhythmic, I never look for flaws and don’t care for the fine piece of mitigating comments, sarcasm or care… I feel I own this palette and the hues is mine, from my mother nature, Attitude design my brains by the nature and this nature set the bars high…..Never complaining and only applauding.

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In the sweetest of nocturnal ponds, my eyes dip in the cool shores of silver, waiting to be rolled in warm bliss, by your fragrance wafting around the pond. Golden charm resonate while you hum, the melody of my serenade and I pinch myself to see this ballad is real and not a mild mirage like those dandelions there in your eyes. I dip my quill in the river of your love and write in the canvas of jasmine and rose. our love is the closure of unending legacies, unraveling through years of melted sonata

Our song is the boon of your whispers, where I slip into the gardens of Eden, devouring the eloquent shade of poetry only to write you an ode, from the temporal lobe of my cranium. Our song is the ballad sung by undulating wrapping up of blankets in the sultry ambiance of indigo passions. Our love is the shade of moon, whispering to the stars and guiding the way of forbidden fruits like us.

O divine verses of prose, glide me through your indispensable proximity of my love, that flows through the veins of river in between the root that hold the deepest of pleasure, that flutter through the dreams of pink, orange, amber, red painted sky….that mix with the zilch effervescence of this seedless night.

I shall make you weep those ink of eloquent aura, making me drip with emotions as your verses tangle my brains. I behold the torch of your divine presence that unveil glaciers and waterfalls of enduring metaphor, and I bathe in this pond of reverberation to rattle my love towards you, O fine piece of beauty.